“Mysterious Rise In Corn Futures Prices May Hinge On NTSB ‘Salt Flats Speed Record’ Report”

“Imagine a place so flat you seem to see the curvature of the planet, so barren not even the simplest life forms can exist. Imagine the passing thunder of strange vehicles hurtling by on a vast dazzling white plain. This is not an alien world far from earth; it is Utah’s famous Bonneville Salt Flats.”

“Quotations” – Charlie “The Hot Rod” Hamster  

“Brackets” [NTSB Previously Redacted Crash Report Statements]   

[Live and Video Footage have not been published, given the extreme scene and circumstances]  

“This Saturday is going to be huge for my breed, the crew and those who dream outside the surly bonds of self-limitation…” 

[Two possible causes:  1.  Jet Fuel Mixture miscalculated…as shown in “sampling board” photo; and 2.  “Wide-Circle misfunction of the fuel rod gauge…pristine after crash, but with a length 2mm longer than standard…] 

“Yes, it’s dangerous…but my crew rolls…on wheels like me…we’re confident and ready….” 

[…pressure on impact was exactly 7,000 pounds…soil displacement was 14 tons…]

[…the in-vehicle telemetry and video equipment…gone…]

“I’ll be the first to admit my paws are sweaty…”




[The Slide Chute functioned properly.]





“Me, my crew and those of my breed always saw John Glenn as a hero.”



[Press Gauge funtional…]

[TrakBar unit may have been mismatched with copper link bracket…]



“I’ve been chllenged by steel, wire, reinforced cardboard, tape, tubes…the hair on my arms isn’t standing up…if that’s what you’re asking…”


[Circuit 4 Diagram]

“Memorial weekend made the most sense…speed is freedom…you can quote me on that…”


[…several of our investigators were visibly upset…magnifying glasses were ordered…some subsequently retired from service…]







The Bonneville Salt Flats and Charley’s Family Ask You Donate 5 Kernels Of Corn To “Hot Rod’ Inside – Because…Aren’t We All Really Hamsters At Heart.

With Hearts Like Charlie’s. 

Wheels Up!


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